Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Just look at what I just wrote. It’s a collection of words that have NO business being anywhere near each other. It’s ridiculous. It’s absurd. There’s no way you can take it seriously because of how ludicrous it is.

And so, when seeing a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter you should expect an absurd, ridiculous, and ludicrous movie.

Congrats, folks! This one lived up to that expectation.

This movie wasn’t high art. It wasn’t low art. It’s hard to call it even art. It was more like something you would see in a video game, where they have some smidge of a vignette between the Level II mission to defeat the Russians in New York City and the Level III mission to parachute on to the Russian Aircraft Carrier to kill all the Russkie sailors in the New York City harbor.

The acting wasn’t bad, considering the absurdity of the movie. The lead actor was a dead ringer for Liam Neeson, which made me wonder if Liam is related to Abraham Lincoln in some form or fashion. Indeed, I noticed that everyone in 1865 was rather good looking, which I found quite intriguing.

The action was like a slo-mo version of Ninja Assassin (if you saw that movie, and based upon it’s low gross, you didn’t). Our ass-kicking 16th Prez found some interesting ways to kill a vampire, and the CGI team must have had a field day using a setting on their computers called “Gratuitous Blood Cam.”

The directing…again, it had a vaguely video game feel to it. So, if you are okay with your Level II-to-Level III style, then you will probably not be too annoyed. If you aren’t a gamer who is used to that, you are gonna hate it. Overall, the movie moved a long at a decent pace, at least for my tastes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, folks. If you have a hard time just watching an absurd movie, then you will hate this. No, hate isn’t the right word. You will loathe this movie, rolling your eyes at all points, checking your watch, tapping your foot, waiting for the blessed moment when the lights come back on and some credits scroll across the screen, signaling you can run out the door prior to losing any more IQ points.

So, here’s what I can’t do. I can’t tell you this was a good movie. I can tell you I was entertained, grinning at the ridiculousness of it all, laughing at it’s absurdity. The fact that this movie tried SOOOO hard to be a serious movie made it all the more hysterical to me. So, if you are reaaaally bored…and if you found a clean $10 bill in the pockets of your jeans that you took off a hanger, surprised it made it through the wash…and you wanna giggle at how goofy this whole thing is…then go see it. It’s stupid fun.

However, before you take that crisp Alexander Hamilton out of your clean jeans and hand it to the nice person through the little hole in the glass at the theatre, I recommend seeing it how I saw it. Not in 3D…not in IMAX…but, after seven Jim Beam-and-Diet Cokes in a two hour period. In fact, maybe THAT was why I was grinning at the whole thing. You know, that miiiight explain quite a bit. But, I digress…