I had a rare (for me) opportunity to see an early screening of “The Thing” (not to be confused with “The Thing” or “The Thing”) this Tuesday, and given Brian’s revulsion at the idea of anybody but John Carpenter creating a prequel to “The Thing” (not to be confused with “The Thing” or “The Thing”), I jumped at the chance.
I arrived at the theater with an hour or so to spare, hungry and frazzled from a long day at the office. Dinner was a necessity and, potentially a drink or two before settling in to see the film. The dining options at the Tempe Market Place are daunting and range from authentic BBQ to fast food to a pretty decent steak house that makes a fabulous extra-dry Hendricks martini with scratch-made bleu cheese olives. Dying for the steak house option, but realizing that choice would leave my wallet severely injured and a review unwritten, I noticed Smashburger. “What the hell is a ‘Smashburger’,” I thought.
Upon entering the store, I was greeted with a small, but surprisingly refined menu: several variations of burgers and chicken sandwiches, four different French fry options, hot dogs and deep fried pickles; they also served beer and wine. Score. I ordered a Mushroom and Swiss burger (the Big Smash size), chili cheese fries and a Kilt Lifter, paid and sat down to wait for delivery of my meal.
A friendly employee delivered my meal six minutes later (“We’ll have that out to you in five-to-seven minutes,” the assured me when I ordered) in a wire tray with a wax paper lining; a knife and fork were thoughtfully included for the fries. The burger was elegant in it’s simplicity: a toasted egg bread bun with just the right amount of mayo to both prevent sogginess and add an acidic tang; the deep brown surface shimmering slightly on top from the settled, aerosolized fry-grill grease settling on top. The expertly sautéed fresh mushrooms were smothered in melted Swiss cheese and sitting atop an obviously hand-formed beef patty. I took a bite and it was hot; not “sitting under a heat lamp waiting to be assembled” hot, but “hey, we just pulled this off of the grill and had an Olympic sprinter disgraced for steroid use run it out to you” hot.
After a long pull on the beer to return my tongue to the able-to-taste temperature range, I decided to try the fries. They were crisp, golden, seasoned perfectly, and delicious. The amount of onions and cheese added to the chili was perfect, but the chili itself was amazing. It’s a Texas-style (no beans) chili, but with deep roots in Midwestern flavor; deep-brick, almost black, in color, the balance of spice left the illusion of a very spicy chili, but with every bit of
coriander and cumin highlighted.
I ate: burger, fries, beer, burger, fries, beer, and on. Too soon, the meal was finished and it was time for the screening.
In the fullness of time, the lights dimmed, the movie started, and about ten minutes in I was startled (this is billed as a Horror Movie, after all). It was a cheap scare, of course; one of the cliche Horror Movie “Boo!” moments. The lighting and set design was almost a perfect, nostalgic match to “The Thing” (not to be confused with “The Thing” or “The Thing”). From there, the movie progressed, the creature killed, the heroes rallied, I saw a space ship, and the movie ended. I felt cheated. I hadn’t been really horrified, just amazed at the level of grotesqueness of the effects; there was no indication that this was an actual prequel to “The Thing” (not to be… You know the drill).
The credits rolled; I watched and smiled.
“The Thing”, 2.5 Stars; Entertaining, worth a rent, and a good homage to Carpenter’s Cult Classic. “Smashburger” 4.5 stars.
“The Thing”: Entertaining, worth a rent, and a good homage to Carpenter’s Cult Classic; the burger was the most memorable thing about the movie. 2.5 stars.
[clarification added for those who are completely missing Tim’s snark]
All that information about your food and only 6 sentences about the movie? Now I feel cheated.
Seriously this is a movie review?
I agree with Michael; did you get to count that dinner as a business expense? The first time I saw “The Thing”, I recognized it from the story. the second movie “The Thing”, I didn’t recognize at all. This one from the ads looks more like the story again. I’m personally getting tired and bored with remakes. Can’t Hollywood do anything original anymore?
Heh – I think Tim was trying to make a point about the movie with the tilt of the review. Looks like he gotcha! =-)
Exactly, RapidEye. Essentially, the most remarkable thing about the movie was the dinner before hand.
It always ruins the joke when you have to explain it, but dang, that did sound like an epic meal!!! =-)
I’ve always seen the original “Thing” referred to as “The Thing From Another World” in 1951.
The best of the two is the ’82 Carpenter/Russell classic team-up.
That being said, I’m looking forward to this new remake/prequel and have hopes that it will be decent.
I expected a better review though from Slice of Sci-Fi.
Yeah — I got it. Funny review. Actually, I’m lying — it was a STUPID F**KING waste of time reading this article which was not a review about the film at all. I don’t care if the movie was bad, or if the movie was not worth discussing at great length, but when you post a tagline that says “Review of The Thing” then there should actually be a marginally thoughtful review there someplace. I could honestly care less what this writer stuffed into his mouth prior to watching the film. I find myself seriously doubting that the “reviewer” even attended the film as he put so little thought into his discussion of it.
Sadly, all we get is a sad, pathetic “me, me, me” vapid, egotistical waste of space and an attempt by the author to be witty and chic by describing his evening’s dining experience and ignoring his main responsibility; a review of the film.
There are lots of people looking for work, and this is one guy that should move over and make room for someone who can actually do the job. The job is not that hard in the first place, for God’s sake! The editor should have handed this “review” right back to the author (or rather, more correctly, should have inserted it deeply into one of the authors enormous body cavities) rubber-stamped as UNACCEPTABLE.
Tim Adamec, you are unworthy of simple employment to say the least. You are not funny, but you ARE a pig.
I hope you are pleased with yourself – although you might be the only one who is. I only hope your meal was on an expense account, as your employers deserve a bit of this as well — they were stupid enough to hire you in the first place.
Here’s a thought: Why don’t you go get a job with a place that reviews food and dining establishments, as this is the all consuming thing you apparently live for.
Thanks for revealing that an abstract point or ironic mode can’t be understood by a segment of the population any more… I’ll include a special “for those with no sense of humor or oblique reasoning ability” section for you in the future.
I look forward to such vociferous, bombastic criticism in the future.
Um, newsflash for peanut gallery:
None of us get salaries for doing this, not Mike, Brian, Samantha, Bret, Tim, Noah, Trouble, Trivia Kurt, Nigel Blackwood, Sweetleaf, Dillo, Klemperbell; not Hickerson, Sam, Jeffrey, or me… not a dime.
Why do you guys think we ask for donations on the radio show?
Henry… nice trick, writing up all that outrage while also embedding a backlink url for whatever that was on our site for your own “me, me, me” agenda. Don’t do that again.
Dearest Summer:
Backlink URL? Wow. So… let me get this straight — you don’t get paid, but you _do_ make stuff up? How convenient. I have no idea what you are referring to, so I am forced to conclude you are all either stupid or inept.
Despite that, it’s not my fault you don’t get paid for your work. That falls under the “stupid” category if you are confused about it. God knows though, in this instance, Tim Adamec does not deserve any money for his Burger Joint review disguised as a movie review. Maybe you can give him a lolly pop to suck on for his wonderful wit!
And, good luck gathering any donations with your type of attitude. I’m sure you’ll be wildly successful. Way to take it on the chin, girly!
–Henry
The malformed myspace URL in your profile that you have left here every time you leave a comment, oh adorable and possibly clueless one. So what is the myspacehenryprentisstristatedata bad URL you’re using, combined with the fact that your email address contains “ebay”, unless it’s a weak attempt to leave backlinks? Click over the link your name makes here and you’ll see what I mean… I’m leaving it in your profile this time so people can see who’s really making things up in this case, and it ain’t me.
If you didn’t put that in there, then your profile has been hacked, and I suggest you go fix that before someone posing as you makes things worse. And you do realize that you can be banned from websites for abuse, just like you are from forums? My attitude doesn’t matter because I’m not the one who won’t get to play here anymore. That’s you, doing that to yourself.
Wow – someone actually stupid enough to try and cross keyboards with Summer!?!?!
Henry, you better just take your thesaurus and get back to your remedial freshman algebra homework before your mother finds you on her computer again. Having both your mother AND Summer pissed off at you is a really bad idea!
I think some are missing Tim’s point in the review. The movie was so unremarkable that the best part of the evening was the mediocre meal, & everything else in his life leading up to that moment he sat down in the theater seat. Some of us thrive on sublety while others simply don’t get it.
Uncle! I can appreciate the point Tim, even if I didn’t get the joke at first. Where’s that place you ate at?
DANG! posted when, yet again, there was more to that thought! Sooo… let me get this straight… the third incarnation of the movie, ‘The Thing’ was very much like the first two incarnations of the same titled movie, with the exception of much better special effects? I can understand why so many people were hanging, breathless, waiting for a review! After all, it might have been a movie of the same title that no one had ever seen before… like Invasion of the bodysnatchers or King Kong…no, wait… those have been done before also… so what it boiled down to was this simple question: was this version worth the full ticket + popcorn and soda price? or should I wait and watch it at home? Since that can be summed up in a single sentence, I appreciate the food review, as well as the creativity involved in writing the review of an otherwise dull movie review… we all know the drill kids… monster… ice… who is the monster in this scene?… kill monster… blah blah blah. I don’t need a review for this story… but I DO need a review for that burger joint!