If you’ve been abducted by aliens, whisked up to a UFO or having problems with missing time and what-have-you, chances are the planet’s under imminent threat of an Alien Invasion. Here’s what you need to do to survive. [Click on image to view video]

Step 1: Don’t stand around looking
Standing around waving your arms and gawping at flying saucers is pretty much a guaranteed way of getting stomped on or frazzled by a ray gun.

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Step 2: Friends, Family, Co-Workers
Bear in mind that any friends, family members or co-workers who have started to act ‘a bit funny’ but in a way you can’t quite put your finger on have definitely already been killed and replaced by an alien clone of some sort. Kill them quick as you can and move along, there’s a good chap.

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Step 3: Buddy Up
If you can, make friends with an alien — find similarities wherever possible, like the need for food. Most aliens love a ‘candy bar’ pulled innocuously from a pocket. Also, almost all aliens can learn American English fluently after a few hours sat in front of MTV. Just don’t let them watch any war documentaries or programmes about H-Bombs going off, that sort of thing… these ‘higher beings’ can tend to be somewhat judgemental, and simply won’t understand!

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Step 4: Killing an Alien
Just so everyone’s clear, your pissy ‘human’ weapons will have no effect whatsoever on an honest-to-goodness alien. You’re only likely to get them all riled and angsty, which means double the probing for you. So don’t go shooting any guns. You’re not SPACE MARINE Duane Hicks, and you never will be. There’s always a simple way to kill an alien; you just need to figure out what it is. Saltwater, maybe? Some sort of inert gas? Coughs and sneezes, perhaps? Whatever it is, you can pretty much guarantee it’s indigenous to Earth and it exists in abundance.

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Step 5: Slime and/ or blood
If you spot some slime or blood on something in the middle of a corridor, don’t stand there looking all inquisitive, wondering why there’s some slime or blood in the middle of a corridor. In nine cases out of ten, there’ll be a whopping great alien on the ceiling above you, waiting to eat your face. Make a quick mental note of the slime or blood, and simply keep moving!

Step 6: Poochy
Dogs will always be fine and leap through a window at the end, so don’t waste time worrying about them.

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Step 7: Jumpy Scares
Aliens like nothing more than a good fright. Whether it’s popping up at an inopportune moment or melting things with their crazy future technology — making people scream is what drives your average Alien’s ego. Best to keep quiet, maintain a stiff upper lip and look perpetually unimpressed, no matter what it throws at you. Bear in mind that there are a bazillion different types of alien, each with their own specific nuances and character ticks. If you do happen across one, always assume it’s out to kill you in a particularly grizzly fashion, and you should do fine.

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Instructions for our American friends:
Avoid getting abducted
If you live in America, you’re pretty much screwed from the off. You’ve probably already been ensnaffled once or twice as it is, presumably while on a hunting trip or something. Obviously, no one believes you about this, but whatever. Best thing is to live in the centre of a big town, surround yourself with people, and never ever go to sleep ever again. Just in case…