Wisdom From Boris: How To Survive a Horror Movie!

Source: Trek United

When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.

The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.

Along with the guy that is always making jokes

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.

Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.

If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.

If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you.

Same goes for leaning against the window.

If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.

Always remember — SEX=DEATH!

For Other Life Saving Tips

If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don’t take a job as a phone counselor.

Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.

Stay away from sewers.

If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.

If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.

Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.

Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.

Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.

If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!

Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the pervious rule), don’t let him back on the ship.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.

If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!

A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

Never go back for anything you lost.

Avoid people with pointy teeh.

Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan,

If the barber remarks on the “666” tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.

Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.

Remember: Just say “NO” to human blood.

Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.

If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!

Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.

Never run into a deserted graveyard at night,

If you are running away from the killer/monster, don’t even try to start the car. It doesn’t matter if the car is brand new, it won’t start.

If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.

For pete’s sake…NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.

Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will want you to birth the new Anti-Christ.

Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.

If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it’s not them.

Don’t be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.

If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let’s say a severed head falling to the floor, don’t go trying to find out what it is.

Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed near an abandoned farm house.

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There’s no hope for you anyway.

Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.

If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you’re pretty much screwed. But at least you’ll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.

Never try to unmask the killer.

Never hide in a closet.

If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place.

If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don’t stay and investigate. Run like hell.

Don’t spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.

Don’t make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.

If you are going to the bathroom in a movie theatre and you think you hear a guy and a girl making out in the stall next to you, don’t put your ear closer to the wall to listen.

If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn’t stick around to ask about his pot of gold.

Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they’ve been in a coma for 10 years, they’ll wake up.

Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

Never say “Who’s there?”

If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,

If you have a feeling you’ll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.

After babysitting, don’t walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.

If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.

Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.

When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.

If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!

If a giant shark is chasing your family, don’t go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

If you are babysitting, don’t let the kids play with the Chucky doll.

If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.

If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons…move away ASAP

If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:

A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.

B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.

C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
think you are safe…he will kill you.

If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.

If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there’s talk about a surge of any type of insect…move. Stuborn home owners always die.

When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don’t just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!

Kill the Scientist. No matter what else you do, kill him off right away. They always want to study “it,” or take “it” back to the corporate masters, or learn from “it” at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it. Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he’s going to sacrifice you anyway.

If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down,
don’t get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer
after you kick him a couple times.

If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.

If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.

If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything
cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.

If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.

A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

[Image courtesy of StompTokyo.com]

Comments

  1. says

    Actually, there was a really cool Nike ad in 2000 that featured a girl running away from a Jason-like chainsaw wielder, and the fact that she was a runner was the joke of the ad, proving that not all women fall down and get caught by the horror movie killer.

    I wonder if that ad’s on YouTube or not…

  2. says

    Also when you’re running away from something (monster, animal, beast) you only have to outrun the slowest runner – so trip somebody – once they fall it’ll buy you some time!

  3. says

    well this as made me shit myself since ill be babysitting soon ,. and im blonde with blue eyes and big boobs, oh and i may have to go straight from work in a white blouse.
    im screwed realy arent i?

  4. says

    I really hate certain horror movie! I always want to reach through the screen and slap the hell out of the actor or (usually) actress that is committing a congenital idiocy.

  5. Movie Buff says

    When driving, never follow directions from small town gas station attendants. Never take shortcuts that isn’t on any map. Heck, never take shortcuts.

  6. says

    Christian: Thanks!

    I remember the tag line now: “why sport? you’ll live longer.”

    Classic.

    I still think that Nike needs to release a free DVD collection of their ads. Make it a series, by decade, starting in the 80s with the Jordan ads featuring Spike Lee, and move on into the present.

    It worked for BMW’s short film series starring Clive Owen as The Driver.

  7. Paul says

    They don’t run because they don’t have to. The stupid blonde are tripping and stuff so it’s easy to catch up.

    Also, if you’re in your late 20s/early 30s, don’t pretend to be a teenager.

  8. says

    Yeah, that shortcut one is definantly a crucial one that should’ve been on the list! Also, if any little kid starts talking about seeing some ghost or strange men or other little kids in their closets or under their beds: believe them!
    Also, as a general rule, decapitating works almost every time!

    Good tips! I would SO survive a horror movie!

  9. Ang says

    Also? If you live on a farm, and corn is your main source of agriculture? Never, ever, ever run into it as a means of escape. That’s exactly what the monster/killer wants you to do!!

  10. A says

    These are older than… Well, a lot of things. I remember when they were on Dr. Caligari’s Cabinet site, and there were quite a few hundred more rules.

  11. says

    Don’t forget about: 1) don’t genetically alter animals and/or fish in science labs, especially if it may be for a noble cause; 2) if it is your birthday, or you are about a have a birthday, or just had your birthday, don’t leave the house, don’t even go outside. Be glad you are in a horror film- if it was an action film, you are dead anyway unless you are a cop with a crazy partner; 3) stay away from caves, don’t go into them, even for noble scientific purposes.

  12. says

    Very impressive indeed. However, for those of you who… think… you can survive a horror movie… well, you seem to have left out a few important facts of… real life. Such one is Human Curiosity. If, by chance, you are the… first victim… of course you’re going to have no problem searching your own home for a strange noise. The thought of any plot against you or harm isn’t the first thing that comes to your mind since you seem to have the lack of knowledge of any killer or psychopath lurking about. For all you know it could just be one of your own comming home, unless you live by yourself. It’s easy to predict a movie killer’s every move. But in real life? In the words of a movie psychopath, which I hope you all know, “movies don’t create psychos, movies make psychos more creative.” You learn, they learn. The hunt continues.

  13. Maeve says

    ‘If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekinetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.’

    Wow, I’ve read ALL of those books!
    Yes, books. They’re all by Stephen King, too.

  14. PowerGal88 says

    How to Survive a Horror Movie:

    1: Don’t be a person of color, once your black, you won’t come back.

    2: Never get a group photo at the beginning of the movie. That photo is your memorial. The photo is saying remember what I look like like because it’s a 50/50 chance I won’t make it to the end.

    I just love this list of what not to do in a horror movie because it is so true. Do these and your sure as DEAD!

  15. CIA AGENT says

    dood u forgot a couple like if ur bein chased just turn around and point at the monster .it will most likely stop. if it does run after it and while chasing it try and ditch it or run it into a lake

  16. Rachel says

    If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.

    That one made me laugh my ass off. Stephen King is amazing.

    How about my own?:
    If your “dead mother” is singing a lullaby to you throw a trap door, she’s still possessed. Don’t trust her.

    Talking heads of ex lovers deserve to be chopped up with a chainsaw. [If the chainsaw is missing, don’t stick around to see where it went.]

    It’s smart to have a chainsaw as a hand. It might save your life.

    Gotta love the Evil Dead 2.

  17. Brad says

    There used to be a site called the Cabinet of Dr. Calagula (?) That started with a page of hints of how to survive. By the time it closed down :( it had many pages of suggestions.

    It was great fun to read them. Like this site is.
    He also had pictures of old Movie Posters too.

    Zardoz & Brad

  18. Jazzey says

    If you are at camp, going camping, or going for a picnic, DO NOT STAY AFTER DARK. This especially applies if the day went perfectly. Especially if the day was sunny, you are in the woods, and you can hear birds chirping. If a person goes missing, even in the day, do not hunt for them. You will get lost. You will die. Do not rely on the car to get you home. The car will not work at night. If you are on a deserted highway in a bathing suit/shorts with a bunch of friends, in the sand, going to the beach, you are doomed. Do not stay in the car. Do not go to the deserted town/house. If you find an undeserted town, make sure it is not in the desert and it has an internet and phone connection. In fact, if any of this happens to you, just run like hell to a familiar place.

  19. LarryBee says

    If you are a woman, never get into your car at night and then wait to start the damn thing.

    Union rules permit monsters to follow you but they are not permitted to attack until you have turned around to see if they are there.

    Never accept a kiss from a toothy woman in a filmy nightgown.

    Never walk in on a satanic ritual and ask, “Hey, whatcha guys doin’?”

    Your tool kit should include a large mallet, a sharp wooden stake, several cloves of garlic, and a pistol loaded with silver bullets.

    Avoid hairy men during the full moon.

    Do not apply an electrical charge to any dead organism or any part thereof.

    Do not expose any living organism — no matter how meek — to high doses of nuclear radiation.

    If your name is not Spock, Bones, or Sulu, do not accompany Captain Kirk on any expeditions.

  20. PowerGall88 says

    Very impressive list u have aquired. There is one more thing u should not do in a horror movie, which i have seen this happen over and over again: NEVER TAKE A GROUP PHOTO! I guarantee that at least one or ALL persons in the photo will die. Examples, just a few come to mind like LESS THAN ZERO, and more current movie THE DESCENT. My advice: JUST SAY NO!!
    PS: I know LESS THAN ZERO is not a horror movie, but this piece of knowledge is still good advice to take. Choose to ignore my advice and u will be taking a dirt nap!

  21. PowerGall88 says

    U forgot one. Never take a group photo. All or someone will die a horrible death. Example: The Decent. All smiles in photo, the people in the picture have no idea what lies ahead of them.

  22. tay says

    the killer will always come back a second time so kill them by shooting them in the head and if they dont go down surrendure!!!

  23. superflea97 says

    You forgot one. ” Suddenly stop running, spin around and yell out ‘glosrfjkjg!’. This will distract the killer long enough for you to knock him out with that bat you ‘borrowed’ from the basement….”

  24. Beau Bowers says

    Ok so I live in a rumored haunted house in central maine,My childhood friend grew up in the house the town used as a haunted house for years . Steven King lived the next town over untill he moved to the town next to that bangor,that one continues with my mom going to lisbon high with him and knowing the girl he based carrie on . But on the up side I’m fairley heavily armed and have a good fire line cleared around the house oh and BTW clowns are met at my door with firearms as are door to door salespeople and religion hawkers so I can’t if I’m meat or safe???

  25. dogo987 says

    You forgot two:
    If the your kid says his toy was the one who killed his babysitter… BELIEVE HIM! Especially if he’s two!

    and

    Never film a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

  26. Cecelia says

    Also one more thing; When (at least you think) the killer/monster really is dead and you (quite possibly) bury them, REMEMBER THIS ONE STATISTIC: they will ALWAYS come back for one last scare. It does not matter if they are already 20 feet underground or partially decayed. They will give the entire Earth to make you scream and pee your pants one final time.

    I think that’s one thing we should ALL know. :)

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